In the morning of 10 Aug this year, while I was struggling to get out of bed, I heard a familar inner voice that speaks so gently but firm, “DREAM WITH ME”.
Over the years, I have never dared to dream my own dream. It is not that I do not have dreams. Deep within me I have desires and dreams. Over the years, I have started to believe that perhaps God’s purpose for me is to help fulfill other’s dreams but not mine. Hurts and disappointments have seeped in each time my little steps toward my dreams are dashed by people and external circumstances. Traumatic events, one after another drain me dry, without any ounce of strength to even think about myself, what more to dream. To others looking in from the outside, I seem to be coping well with all these. As I take on responsibility to do what is needed, dreams begin to drift further and further away from my reach. Managing my expectations, actually to have no expectations for my own good, becomes a protection against disappointments. I am happy to put my heart into helping others to fulfill their dreams if I can as I know how it feels not having one. I am genuinely happy to help but deep within, aches of such longings are exceptionally intense in the process. The only way to cope is to suppress this and ignore its existance. Deep within I am unhappy and dissatisfied although I know that God has blessed me.
Proverbs 10:28 says that “The hope of the righteous is gladness” and I lost hope – hope that my heart will ever find gladness. Perhaps the only hope is to find this fullness when Christ comes back again. Yet this contradicts the God whom I know as in Psalms 27:13, David declared “I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.” The goodness of God is available even in this fallen world. Dreams are only possible for those who have hope. Once hope is gone, dreams die.
I am once again challenged to come face with dreams that died so long ago and secret dreams that I never even dare to give second thoughts. God’s call to “DREAM WITH ME” is beginning to awaken sleeping desires within. Hope is beginning to arise. I am in the midst of seeing an almost impossible dream which I never even dared to give second thoughts to coming into reality. This internal struggle is immense, to believe or to protect. To believe that something good will come to pass or to protect myself by retreating into the deep black hole so that I will not be heart-broken again.
Learning to once again take courage and press onward for my dreams is taking so much out of me. I do hope that soon I can post about a dream becoming a reality. The practical steps are daunting. For those who happen to read this, and are struggling with something similar, I just want to tell you that you are not alone. Not because I am also going through this, but because God through Jesus Christ has the power to lift you and I out of this deep black hole of hopelessness.
P.S. Please don’t get me wrong. My dreams have never been about wealth, status or position. Some of them are very basic things that many people are enjoying as part of their normal lives.
